A Belief is Just a Thought You Keep Thinking

A belief is just a thought you keep thinking. 

You guys I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted but I’ve been on a journey! I have so much to share with you, but I’ll start with an experience I had that shattered a belief I had about myself, and has started me on a path of awakening.

What if a part of your core identity- a piece of the essence of who you are…is just a thought you keep thinking? What if that thought isn’t true…what if it’s a bold face lie? So untrue that the real you, your higher self, your soul is screaming, “Hey, hey what the hell man, you’re not shy, you’re not weak, you’re not a failure! Dude, come on! That’s not me?!”  A belief is just a thought you keep thinking. A belief is just a thought you keep thinking. A belief is just a thought you keep thinking!!!!! These were just words until I had a breakthrough that awoke me to how true these words are, and it’s changed my life! I really hope these words can inspire you too!  

This is the story of how I realized I was telling myself a lie and then I started to wonder what other lies I was telling myself, and then I realized that answer was: a lot. 

When I was 14 years old I was a Pathfinder. A pathfinder is like a girl guide but higher up. It’s basically a group of people that love being outside, camping, adventure, learning survival skills. It’s a step before being a Ranger. These types of people probably go on to work at …National Parks, Summer Camps, and probably camp their whole lives and love canoeing, and being outside. So that about sums me up at 14 years old. We were working on earning Winter Camping badges. Winter camping literally means spending three days outside in the freezing cold in a foot of snow, around the clock.

If you knew me for a total of five minutes, you’d probably be like, record skip. You were a winter camper?! No, you hate the cold, you hibernate in the winter. You literally spend the entire winter talking about how cold you are and how uncomfortable you are. I’ve never seen you outside, let alone enjoying yourself outside! That’s utterly preposterous!  

Yup stick with me…we’re about to learn about the lie that I told myself. So it’s the first night of the big winter camp. I’m in a small tent that is sitting on tons of snow and I’ve just been outside the entire day. I can’t get comfortable. My nose won’t stop running, it feels like I’m going to choke on it if I stop wiping my face. I feel primally scared, and I feel freezing. I start telling the other girls in my tent what’s going on and they tell me that I’m fine and to just fall asleep. I can’t…I have become acutely aware of my heart and suddenly I feel like I have been given the  job to focus on my heart in order to keep it beating, and if I stop it will stop. I cannot fall asleep the entire night because I am so focused on how cold I am and how afraid I am that something is terribly wrong with me. 

The next morning, I’m so relieved to finally be able to get up and out into the sun and move my body to try to warm it up. I don’t feel better though and I try to explain how I’m feeling to my fellow campers. A friend gives me a pair of heavy duty socks, thinking that will help,  and I keep holding on. Late in the afternoon, we go on a hike and I start to feel what my twenty something self would recognize as completely wasted! Like drunk out of my mind. Laughing hysterically, telling people stories that don’t make any sense at all, and having no idea where I am. Moments later, I pass out in the snow. I come to, next to a campfire waiting to be taken to the hospital. Once at the hospital I start throwing up everywhere and find out that I have hypothermia.

It’s at this moment that I have this “understanding” that I’m the type of person who feels cold differently than other people and that the cold can kill me. At that moment the idea that I’m way more sensitive and uncomfortable in the cold than everyone else and that I always have to know that the cold can kill me becomes part of my identity.

I really wish that someone would have inspected my sleeping bag to see that I was attempting to winter camp using my parents cloth sleeping bag from the 70’s clearly designed for the summer, that I had a coat that wasn’t warm enough at all and no layers underneath it. I wish someone could have told my little brain that I was ill equipped for the weather and that I could have continued to be a Pathfinder and that I could still love the outdoors. I wish I could have gotten back on that horse after a trip to North Face and dominated that winter camping badge. I wish that someone would have told me to look winter in the eye and to say, “I own you!”

Instead, we said things like, oh my gosh you almost died, those people were insane for putting you in the position, we should have known better than to let you do that, it was way too cold to do that! The lie kept on growing stronger and stronger until it turned into a full blown phobia. It wasn’t till I had my kids that I realized how much my fear of the cold was running my life. My husband had to take the kids to the park and to big events like the Christmas parade, while I watched from inside. I could hardly handle getting them buckled into their car seats in the winter, and I’d freak out on them if they were dawdling getting out of the car. This fear defined me. I would start dreading winter the moment September hit! The thought: I hate the cold, was running my life. I live in Canada for pete’s sake! It’s cold half the freaking year!

Luckily, I received some life changing involuntary aversion therapy. Last year, the school board that I work for, as a high school art teacher, went on strike and we were told that we’d have to picket for 3 hours a day in the dead of winter. I could not comprehend how that could be possible. All I could think of was, how can I get out of this? I just panicked. I seriously thought about quitting my job. I thought about getting a Doctor’s note. I tried to talk to other people about whether they could actually make me do it. The response I was getting was pretty negative. Union people kind of take the whole solidarity thing pretty seriously. Some people reminded me about how people have jobs like construction workers that are in the cold all damn day every day and they are fine, so why wouldn’t I be ok when It’s only three hours?!

In the end, I decided that I would just go on the first day and, just like I’d passed out in the past, the same thing would happen again of course, and I’d be taken to the hospital and after that I would be exempt, since they would see that my body could not handle the cold. They would realize that I was basically a cold-blooded reptile walking amongst humans. 

In preparation for the strike people were talking a lot about what to wear and I listened like my life depended on it (because it did!). My husband’s Dad actually worked at Marks Work Warehouse- which is basically the place that all the cold weather jobs people go to get their cold weather gear…so he brought over all these incredible inventions like socks meant for the coldest weather, gloves and hats meant for the coldest weather. Neck bands and ear bands meant to cover the really sensitive parts to keep them from turning black and falling off-I pictured! Long johns to layer with AND heat activated packs that go inside your boots and in your gloves. These heat packs are legit heaters that keep your boots and hands warm! I spent a lot of time planning my outfit very carefully because I did not want to die before they got me to the hospital!

The day of the strike came and I drove myself to the school with all of my gear and a huge bag of backup gear too. I got out of the car and I walked over to the area where people were. Immediately, I realized that I was too cold to stand still, so I decided to walk the length of the perimeter of the high school and the combination of what I wore and the walking made it bearable. That day was so unbelievable. I did it. I freaking did it. I walked back and forth in front of my school, in the dead of winter, for three hours straight. After that I went home and went to bed the second that I got home. I was so exhausted from the fear, anxiety, and walking but I had done it. I had survived.

That night, my husband suggested that I listen to an audio book the next day and that that might help me even more and keep my mind off of the cold and my fears. I had never listened to an audiobook before. He suggested “The Five Second Rule” by Mel Robbins. It’s a book about how you can change your life with small 5 second decisions you face throughout your day. It’s fascinating! She has this theory she calls “everyday courage”. It’s the idea that courage isn’t running into a burning building to save someone, it’s standing up and reading your poem when the teacher calls on you instead of passing. It’s the little everyday stuff that happens to us all damn day long that builds courage. It’s showing up and listening to the voice inside of ourselves that says do it, and doing it whether we feel like it or not. That’s courage!

K, this book is f’n amazing and from the moment I pressed play out in the cold I was blown away by what I was hearing. I stopped focusing on the cold completely. I actually started to enjoy myself. I was thinking holy crap I don’t have to be working right now, I get to walk and just feel nature on me, I get to listen to this incredible book and that’s all I have to do. My job is to walk and listen to this book. I started to get HOT…like real hot. I had to unzip my freaking jacket in the dead of winter because I was walking so fast and getting so inspired by the words in the book. Without even realizing it, I was changing a piece of my core identity. Suddenly 25 years of extreme phobia was melting away as a huge smile spread across my face called: I like being outside in the cold! I was quickly able to finish the book and it ignited in me the journey that I have been on the last year. Listening to audio books about finding my authentic self, taking control of my life, understanding the universe…literally embarking on a path to awakening and enlightenment. 

When the strike ended the weather had warmed already, but something crazy happened. Covid hit and I got to teach from home. With no commute or need to get the kids ready and out the door, I had so much more time on my hands and I started walking two hours a day and listening to more books than you would believe. It was through my books that I finally made the connection with what had happened by conquering my fear of the cold. I realized that one of my greatest fears and limitations was just a thought I had kept thinking. The little girl who loved being outside and had a massive sense of adventure was still there inside me, this entire time. She hadn’t gone anywhere. She’s part of my source energy. She’s part of my soul and I had locked her away for 25 years with a lie.

All of a sudden it hit me, what else had I locked away and hidden? What other parts about my identity might not be true? The truth is I have some big hangups that I’m working through. While conquering my fear of the cold woke me up to the idea that I’ve been lying to myself, it’s by no means the biggest issue that I’m dealing with right now. I’ll be sharing more of my truths and breakthroughs here in the hopes that you can relate and realize you might have some major B.S. built right into your core identity that is at major odds with your soul and who your higher self really is. 

Maybe you’ve guessed that the silence on my blog and instagram account are a symptom of the issues that I’ve been struggling with. It’s true. I have felt like I’ve lost my spark because what I’ve realized is that I wasn’t sharing enough of what was on my mind and this silence around my real feelings stole my joy for blogging.

I have wanted to share my authentic self with you guys for so long and I’m so happy that today I made a start. This post is just scratching the surface of the stories that I want to tell you, but I’m not silent anymore and that’s everything.

Last thing, If you’re in the mood to be inspired to make some changes in your life, I highly recommend finding your way to Mel Robbins! Start with listening to The Five Second Rule by Mel Robbins on audible…since this book, I’ve listened to so many more books of hers…highly addicting and inspiring!

Do you have a limiting belief about yourself? Are you ready for a breakthrough? Have you had a breakthrough? I’d love it if you shared it with me in the comments!